The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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