I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
