textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
