dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
