I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
