I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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