Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
