I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
