My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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