Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
