You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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