I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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