So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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