dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
