ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
