yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
