i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
