dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
