you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
