Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You are the jesus of drinking
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
