have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
