dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
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