I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
