I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
