I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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