why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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