You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
