Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
