so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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