hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
