my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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