Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
