Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
