My room smells like vodka and shame
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
