hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
