I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
