when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize