giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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