my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
