about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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