I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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