ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
