last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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