he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize