I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My bed smells like the plague
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