Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
