Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
