I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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