A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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