The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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