The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Please don't give away my fajitas
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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