Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
