I think i peed on brittanys purse
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
