About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize