dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
