I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
