he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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