I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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