I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
