My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
