I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
