i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize