There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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